The Importance of Being

This week's been a pretty tight week, and a lot of stress was to be handled. I've been busy handling all that stress, but this week has meant more to me than any other weeks I spent, but somehow it felt like it all went down the drain. I was on the bus when I started writing this.

I considered it pretty good luck to have started a blog, done some difficult writing related tasks, and joined multiple wrtiting competitions. None of these things were forced on me, I went after them, seeking them. I said yes to all the tasks that needed writing, and I joined every single competition there was. It's not the first time I've been stressing, but it's the first time that I've had to do so much work that I actually wanted to finish, instead of whatever random subject homework or something. The stress was building up, but I told myself that if I could get through this week, I could prove that I could make it. I had what it took, and all that jazz.

What I realzed in that week, was something that I didn't want to go away. In working on so many things, I began to be important to the people revolving around that work, they depended on me to finish, and I thought I could deliver. So, I was stoked, really.

This week, I had three things to hand in on the same deadline. I did little by little every day of the week, but I somehow miscalculated the time or something, and ended up rushing to finish stuff. On deadline day, I was still just "almost finished" with practically everything. But I was prepared to do something about it, or accept the consequences or whatever. By the end of the day, I was... unmarked by the deadlines. What happened was, one deadline was postponed to the next month, which left me with an "O" shaped mouth going on there, and the next one was postponed voluntary by the person in charge. The last one however, was not postponed. Instead, someone else reached my deadline for me. I did not like that.

After a while though, I started thinking about it. And I kind of knew that I wanted that to happen, I wanted to postpone the deadlines, or have someone reach them for me. In some strange and bizzare way, I even knew that that "mutation" of deadlines were going to happen. I could feel these things happening, you know?

And then, I started to feel all weird inside. I didn't want to be the guy who wanted to need to postpone deadlines, if that even makes any sense. I simply wanted to be that person who could take a deadline and reach it. Which I will be doing, from now on.

Now here's the other thing. Being that person who is involved in a lot of things means getting noticed by the people surrounding your work, as I already mentioned. But it's like a temporary gig, you know? When it's all over... it's like, they forget, or something. You go back into the darkness, and you're left with yourself. That's what I was thinking of in the bus. I spent my whole week thinking about all the work I needed to finish, that I was able to forget my thoughts. Even on the bus, I had to think of the work that needed finishing. But now, I really had nothing that needed thinking, just a want to think or daydream. And the thing I was left with was, I was the guy who simply thinks.

"Don't leave me with yourself," I heard myself thinking. God, I was depressing. Can you believe it?

There I was, on the bus. I was left alone, no deadlines to reach, nothing to work with. I was left with... my thoughts. And I wondered what it would be like, to be left alone like this for a very long time.

-J

A classic modernized letter

DEAR SIR,

With all due respect, I find the art of voicemail completely disregardable. However, in the turn of circumstances, I would be obliged to check it, lest I wish to have bestowed on me the honour of my father personally beheading me with his bare hands. As such, it will be of high regards and pleasure for you, sir, to know that as of this moment in time, I shall be checking my voicemail from time to time, and if I should have the favour of receiving such a kind message from you, it would be the least I could do to try to return a message half as wonderous.

How is your daughter? I have been informed of a certain recent mishap involving the father of her child. It has been confirmed that she IS with child, is that right? Dear, dear, if you ask of me an opinion, I would be inclined to say that she was a little bit too wreckless in-- I hoped to avoid this-- sleeping around with all the young officers of the county. If a young woman who is not even of one and twenty years wishes to act on her human instincts, please remind your daughter that condoms have been and still are quite commonly used nowadays. Do take my opinion in the matter, for I have much experience to part with.

Regards, Mr. Albano

The consequences of not having your cat spayed.

Ugh. The consequences of not having your cat spayed? Uh oh. It's that time of month again. PMS much? Which got me round to thinking. Is it really a good idea to hop into bed with a hormonal creature of the opposite sex? My answer is no, god, NO. Anyway, let's continue.

You know, it's really adorable sometimes when you hear a cat purr or coo. Three out of four weeks, they practise their mating calls. On the last week, they belt it out 24/7 and it gets really annoying, and you're like, "Make her stop, pleeease!" That's what it's like for me and lil' Abbey. It was really very entertaining and pitiable to watch. I'm sorry, but it's true. I have another cat, Snowball, who has been neutered. (Thank God). He despises Abbey. To have a better understanding of the situation at hand, the situation is sort of like the beginning of Pride and Prejudice, where Mr. Darcy doesn't like Elizabeth. S is regal, classy, a little bit arrogant, and a bit stiff. A is playful.

Now, in my story, Abbey is in need of a partner. Snow, the only male cat in sight, seems to be the only conceivable choice. So, she begins the long and hard war of love, much to Snow's being oblivious and indifferent. Multiple attempts of action have been made on her part. Pointing her posterior in his face, as if offering himself to him, rolling on the floor in front of him, playing with his tail. Of course, all this ends up with her getting multiple swipes in the face... and backside. One time... multiple times... Snow tries to drop heavy objects on poor Abbey's head. She narrowly escapes death three times per day. And she still wants him. That's love right there. Or the poor thing's really just having her period. As for the mating call... did I mention Snow was deaf?

See how that would work out in my version of P&P? Elizabeth is flinging herself at Mr. Darcy, doing dances of seduction in front of him, and bending over. And she wonders why he does not like her. Seriously, you can imagine herbeing all like "Mr. Snow, I sense that you have been rejecting all my sexual designs, yet I fully believed it in your person to tend to a young girl's needs!" and the reply would be something like "What? I can't hear you! No, I did NOT drop something, stop bending over for goodness sake!". And he tries to throw his books at her, hoping to stop her in her dance number.

Anyway, Abbey slowly begins to sense that Snow might not like her. What gave that away? Can you believe what she did next? Ok, I was working at my table, when Abbey jumps on it, and yes, points her backside at me. I'm going.. "..." in my mind. Flattered? No. Creeped out? HELL, YES! Let us not go into detail any further. I really need to book the vet.

Oh, and I heard there was a video of some psychopath murdering a poor innocent kitten on facebook. Her reason? She broke up with her boyfriend. People like that do NOT deserve sympathy, and honestly, I don't get people like that. Luckily she was found and is probably gonna be prosecuted for Animal Cruelty. Oh, yeah.

-J

The last thing you do, before the whole city sleeps.

Everyone's on their paths, everyday, doing things in life, we do them separately, but somehow, we're still doing the same thing. We do it for our lives. We are all subjected to retiring to our beds, at night. But tonight, I couldn't sleep. I mean, I didn't want to sleep yet, because I was looking out and seeing the lights go off in peoples' apartments. Which got me to thinking.

I called one of my friends. He was still awake, and we just got to talking. We talked for a while, while the rest of the world around me was sleeping.

At that moment. It's like, one of the most secure feelings I ever felt, I felt right before I went to bed, at that moment. It was very late at night, early morning. Everyone was sleeping. I felt like there was nothing more to wait for, you know? If everyone's there already, they're in that place, sleeping, dreamland or whatever. There was no more thinking. There is only one last thing to do. Sleep. Was I ready? Of course.

The only thing that was stopping me, no, it wasn't my friend. The only thing that was stopping me was my silent contemplation on how I was listening to the city, and being the last one to close the door, it felt really good. My friend and I, we were working towards the ending of our day, last of the people to do so. It was quick and silent, and it was secure.

I said on the phone, "We're probably like the last two people up at this time of night."
"Yeah," he replied. "You ready to go to bed?"
"More than I'll ever be," I said.

We both sleep, and the rest of the city sleeps, and in that moment, it's like a sort of crossing the finish line thing. Towards where everyone probably was. It was like, back when everyone was awake, the city was alive, it was bustling, it was not the best time to take a nap, there's so many things to do. Back when everyone hasn't crossed that "finish line", everyone was running about in all different directions, and it's like, you don't know what to do.

But then, they all cross that "finish line" , at night, and you decide to wait. Being the last ones to cross, you look back and it's all quiet, and empty, aside from yourself. What have you got to lose? So you get that feeling, like you know exactly what to do, no more decisions, no more hesitations, nothing left behind. Just a few minutes of contemplation to understand the beauty of the moment.

What's tomorrow at a time like this anyway?

-J

Spoken, never heard.. ever.

Ok. So like, let's say in the 17th century, maybe there was this guy called Barney Brown, and this girl called Melissa Focker, and they probably had their own problems with the world. Who doesn't? Maybe at one point their lives intersected and they discovered that the other thought deeply. Maybe they did share conversations that made more sense than any other conversation that other people could ever have, conversations that could benefit anyone who decided to listen, decided to change. Maybe those two existed at a point in time, but they're most likely dead now, and that conversation is almost non-existent, except for the fact that those words were once spoken by some people, and those words respoken by the new era. My poin is, I don't want to be a Barney Brown, ok? I want peple to hear what I have to say, so that those words don't go floating around the world and sinking back to the earth around us. I wan them to find a place in everyone because that's where it's meant to be, and that's the future I really want to be headed towards.

-J

The Will to Death

I was looking at my drawer from across my room. There was a gun in it. The drawer wasn’t locked. And my mind took me back to the times I had stood near the edge of a cliff, or by a bridge. I thought about something that scared me out of my wits. Was it because I was afraid of heights? Or was this why I had that fear? I would stand there, and imagine. I thought of things like, “What is keeping me up here?” and looked at the bridge’s defense. The rails. Those weren’t going to keep me on the bridge. Because I knew I could jump. I could jump off the bridge, and fall. And that scared me. It scared me so much, and the more I thought about it, the more frightened I got. Because the more I thought about it, the more I felt like I couldn’t help myself from jumping. It was the same as the Cliffside story. What was stopping me from propelling myself over the edge to my demise? Nothing.

Then again…. Was it really nothing? Was something stopping me…. from killing myself? Stopping me from…. doing something entirely stupid? I wonder. Sheer will power. Was that what it took for someone like me? Did other people feel this way? I really didn’t know.

I was back in my room, I was back to focusing on that gun. What was stopping me from taking it, and shooting myself in the head with it? Again, nothing. I then had an idea. Lock the drawer. But something in my mind was telling me, “Do not lock that drawer, Jayson. Do not lock that drawer.”

Do not lock that drawer?

I thought about it, and I wondered. Then I realized, that in many cases, once a locked drawer has been unlocked, it’s so much easier to get the gun and shoot yourself with it, than when it was never locked in the first place. Why?

Visualize yourself. And then put a circle around yourself. That represents your sheer will power. Now see the gun. Outside the shield. The possibility of dropping your defense is low. Now, imagine what happens, when you visualize a second shield, one that represents the lock on your drawer. This shield encompasses your first shield. Now you have two defenses. Then what do you see happening to your first defense? It starts to break down. It breaks, because you believe that that lock will save you from the gun, but what is it that you’re really trying to save yourself from? The answer, I believe, is yourself. You are they one holding the gun, and you’re the one who decides to pull the trigger. You have the lock… to save you from yourself? I don’t think so.

And besides… it is so much easier to break through things that you can plainly see, such as that lock. It is so much harder, to get back the will to not do something stupid, because you have the ability to. We all have the ability to do things, and we sometimes find ourselves asking, “Why aren’t we doing things because we can?” But the reason is, the sheer will to do what’s right and what’s not, always has a significant say in what we do. A moral compass comes with the ability to do things within your reach. Do what’s right.

Oh, and for those of you who really can't help yourself from doing crazy stuff, there ARE things like hand-gliding and bungee jumping, or skydiving, or cliffdiving, and all that.

-J

The Fun in the Scary

So I was with some friends, and I was all like "Oh hey, I'm gonna go watch that movie. You know. THAT movie."

And they were all like, "WOAH man, THAT movie? Are you SERIOUS?"

And I was all like, "Yeah?"

And they got all self- righteous and all, and said "I'm not gonna pay for a movie that will scare me." And walked away.

And I was just standing there and I was thinking "Wait. What just happened?"

So later on, I was talking to my other friends, and they were like "Oh hey, you wanna watch Paranormal Activity?"

And I was like, "HELL YES I WANNA WATCH PARANORMAL ACTIVITY!"

And at that point I suddenly remembered the guys I was talking to before, and I was talking about it to my friends, and it was basically all like:

Ok, you don't go to a movie house all alone, and get scared out of your wits, you know? It's like you go there with friends! Yes, friends! And then you scream together and everyone's all like "OH MY GOD THAT WAS SO FREAKY BRAH" and laugh? I mean THAT'S the fun in it all, you experience something together, and have fun with it!

I remember a few years ago, I watched Rose Red with some people, and the movie was like 6 hours long right? It's about this manor called Rose Red, and it's haunted. Scary. And then you know you get this freaky feeling right, what with the long history of the house, and the descendants and everything, but then the movie was over just like THAT, and I was thinking "Oh man, we've GOT to do that again" cuz like, that's what it's all ABOUT. You chill with your friends, you do something together, laugh, cry, be scared, all with a people friendly beer and popcorn in hand. Now, I'm thinking of doing a full 13 ep. marathon on Harper's Island. Mmhm. Care to join?

Because yeah, that's what it's all about.

-J

I Want To Inspire You

I've always had a certain attatchment to writing... When I think of something, I whip out my IPod, and I start writing as fast as I can, whatever it is that's in my mind. That way, I feel like it's more real, and I feel more real than any other time in my life, as long as I am writing.

Quote from the late Michael Jackson,

"Who wants mortality? Everybody wants immortality. You want what you can create to live. Be it sculpting, painting, music composition. That is why to escape death, I attempt to bind my soul to my work. Igive my all to my work because I want it to just live and just give all that I have."

Of all the quotes I love, this one really just had that directness, that yearning, that human touch that I love to look for in the people that I know and love, in family or friends, even strangers. This is why I chose to name my blog I Want To Inpire You, because I believe that it is simple and direct. I'm out. I'm looking to inspire. I believe that I have what it takes, and I want to be heard.

I'm really kinda hoping that I'd be able to bind as much as I can to my writings, hoping to one day be successful, you know?

My writings can take the form of anything, anything I write about, like essays or stories, or even just ideas. Anything that I need to put what I want up here. I will try abstract ideas, or articles, anything I can try. I might even put up conversations, and then after reading them, talk about what I think is going on.

This is how I think I can put as much of myself into this as I can. Direct, not changed into single forms of writing.

I will try writing in different ranges of genres, but I have a tendency to write about interrelationships (not just love) and how they impact us. BUT I can also write about other things =P

So.. yea. I guess that's all I got to say as of now.. Please read whatever I may post up here, I'm a first time blogger, and I'm really into writing. Simply put, I want to inspire people, I want to inspire you.

-J