A classic modernized letter

DEAR SIR,

With all due respect, I find the art of voicemail completely disregardable. However, in the turn of circumstances, I would be obliged to check it, lest I wish to have bestowed on me the honour of my father personally beheading me with his bare hands. As such, it will be of high regards and pleasure for you, sir, to know that as of this moment in time, I shall be checking my voicemail from time to time, and if I should have the favour of receiving such a kind message from you, it would be the least I could do to try to return a message half as wonderous.

How is your daughter? I have been informed of a certain recent mishap involving the father of her child. It has been confirmed that she IS with child, is that right? Dear, dear, if you ask of me an opinion, I would be inclined to say that she was a little bit too wreckless in-- I hoped to avoid this-- sleeping around with all the young officers of the county. If a young woman who is not even of one and twenty years wishes to act on her human instincts, please remind your daughter that condoms have been and still are quite commonly used nowadays. Do take my opinion in the matter, for I have much experience to part with.

Regards, Mr. Albano